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The Ethical Slut, Second Edition, by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
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The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One
- Sales Rank: #16270 in eBooks
- Published on: 2011-04-20
- Released on: 2011-04-20
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
"This book is the definitive guide to having your marriage and eating other people too. The Ethical Slut made me the ethical slut I am today, and I am so proud!”--Margaret Cho, comedian and author of I’m the One That I Want
“The Ethical Slut is one of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It‚’s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity. An absolute masterpiece and a must-read!”--Annie Sprinkle, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex
“Many people wish for and dream of a wider world sexually and live out their lives unable to find the courage to explore. This book is a thoughtful, practical, and loving look at that exploration.”--David Crosby, musician and author of Since Then
“The Ethical Slut, in this new and expanded edition, is the definitive guide for creating and sustaining all conscious relationships‚��polyamorous, open, alternative, and monogamous. Don’t enter into another relationship without it!”--Barbara Carrellas, author of Urban Tantra
“Dossie and Janet’s blend of good humor and forthright honesty makes for some of the best writing I have found on sexually complicated relationships and blended family options. Engaging, disarming, forthright‚ this is the book for those of us still brave enough to make the ethically complex choices.” --Dorothy Allison, author of Bastard Out of Carolina
“A useful guidebook for radical relationship travelers . . . experienced counsel to those on the polysexual frontier.” --Ryam Nearing, Loving More magazine
“A post-graduate course in ethical relationships of every stripe. The authors pull no punches and are totally outrageous. . . . You’ll never be bored.” --Stan Dale, DHS, founder of the Human Awareness Institute
“Frank, funny, and full of practical advice . . . life-saving validation, empathy, and plenty of insider tips from the experienced big sisters you probably weren’t fortunate enough to have.” --Deborah Anapol, PhD, author of Polyamory: The New Love without Limits
From the Publisher
* The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
* Revised and updated throughout, with new strategies for single sluts, advice for opening an existing relationship or marriage, and exercises for thinking about and discussing open relationships.
About the Author
JANET W. HARDY is the author of more than 10 books and founder of Greenery Press, a San Francisco Bay Area book publisher specializing in sexually adventurous books. She swore off monogamy in 1987.
THE AUTHOR SCOOP
Do you eat your vegetables?
Yes, but I’d rather steal your dessert.
Have any good pet stories?
My dear Amy – a gigantic shaggy lab/poodle mix who went to doggie heaven last summer – is still the stuff of legend in San Francisco’s alt-sex scene. One evening, she wandered into the room during a bondage demo: a sweetie of ours was modeling a spreadeagle pose. Amy took one look at her beloved auntie and immediately flopped down next to her on her back, all four legs spread out in the identical pose, as the room dissolved in hysterics and Auntie sat up, rubbing her wrists indignantly, and sputtered, “Upstaged by a fucking dog!”
Are you "six degrees of separation" away from anyone famous?
Distantly related to Clement C. Moore, author of The Night Before Christmas.
Do you have a scar anywhere on your body? How did you get it?
A stylized elephant branded on my right calf, put there by Fakir Musafar. Elephants are large, smart and matriarchal – hence, my totem.
What was your favorite birthday?
Ah, this is a good one… my 35th, the year my two main squeezes at the time took a cabin at Sea Ranch for my birthday and we spent the weekend mushroom-hunting, binge-eating and fucking.
Name a favorite dish that your mother used to make.
“Israeli salad,” which she learned to make when she was trapshooting on the American team in the Maccabiah Games, the Jewish olympics. A chopped salad made with tomatoes, cukes, hard-boiled eggs, bell peppers, etc., and tossed with olive oil and lemon juice.
What is your favorite thing about being an author?
Spelunking in my own brain.
DOSSIE EASTON is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in alternative sexualities and open relationships. She is the author of four other books. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and has been an ethical slut since 1969.
Most helpful customer reviews
524 of 589 people found the following review helpful.
A fair attempt - but very defensive and no inclusion of power of monogamy
By Thomas Meli
I write this review as someone who is extremely sympathetic to polyamory, has explored it in the past, and has made the choice that it is not something that would be ultimately as satisfying for me as monogamy.
I am delighted with certain aspects of the book that reframe abundant sexual expression in positive ways, promote honest, authentic, and safe relationships, and encourage people to explore with openness what is true for them. I also enjoy the "workbook" like nature of many of the inquiries, allowing many people to really make these ideas concrete in their own lives.
However, even upon re-reading this 2nd edition, I fundamentally disagree with too many of the underlying premises and the underlying energy of defensiveness throughout the book. Foremost is the underlying premise that monogamy isn't anything special, and that you can essential do everything you can do in monogamy with polyamory. The authors suggest quite explicitly in several places that monogamy is simply a more sexually repressed, unenlightened, and outdated version of a more supposedly spiritually mature polyamory. I find their arguments utterly unconvincing, overly simplistic, defensive, and often overstated.
I maintain that monogamy and polyamory are qualitatively different and should not be compared as if they were better or lesser versions of the same thing. They are both beautiful, both unique, and there is something special about both of them. They present qualitatively different challenges that are not the same. Monogamy inviting challenges that can ONLY come from unconditionally committing to be sexually exclusive with one person. Polyamory invites challenges that can ONLY come from unconditionally being open to letting love and sexual exploration flow as they arise. A truly non-biased book on polyamory would address both of these things as if they were equally beautiful, not as if one was better than the other.
Also, it would have struck me as more balanced to give some credence to the idea that some people do indeed explore polyamory as a means to escape when confronting their edges, out of fear of commitment or 'abandonment', or other choices that don't come from love. I would have liked to have seen a process to help people tell the difference between moving towards polyamory out of fear vs. because it is truly aligned for us. Our authors seem to suggest fairly consistently that any foray into polyamory is a step in the direction of greater love and sexual expression whereas my own exploration and so too those of many of my friends suggest that this is not always (or often) the case.
There are also ideas in the book which strike me as simply incorrect or inconsistent For example: the authors seem to be thoroughly convinced in "the more is better attitude" equating more sexual partners with notions of sexual abundance. They write that they see no benefit in restriction or abstinence. Yet they paradoxically also seem to promote healthy boundaries. I see this as inconsistent. Every ancient spiritual tradition that I know of (from tantra to taoism) that is sex positive has highly developed practices of sexual abstinence that increase the intensity, pleasure, and intimacy among sexual partners when they do occur. To not see any role for abstinence and restriction in sexual empowerment strikes me as adolescent and a really dangerous proposal for those who truly value self-connection and self-realization.
Restriction and abstinence are not forms of repression if they arise from a clear discernment about we we want. Furthermore what is common to both monogamy and polyamory is the willingness to redirect all of our energy, all of our sexuality towards where it will flower most in the world. A monogamist does this with one person. A polyamorist with many. I don't see any need to bash monogamy to promote polyamory. Let polyamory stand on its own.
Because of these and many other reasons, I find this book to be a stepping stone to better books about the subject that aren't so defensive, overstated, and are much more balanced in their approach.
Perhaps the pioneers of a lifestyle need to be a bit more overzealous and defensive about getting something 'new' out into the world. This doesn't mean we need to carry their biases into our own explorations. So if you want to explore polyamory, this book has quite a bit to offer, but don't ever lose touch with your heart, what you really want, and what is true for you.
I would like to see a book on polyamory that doesn't treat it like a new paradigm replacing an old paradigm. Monogamy is probably here to stay, and for good reason. What I hope for is a book that speaks of coexistence and true inclusivity for all love and sexual styles.
215 of 246 people found the following review helpful.
Amazing, essential book for all relationships
By IReadInTrees
The Ethical Slut is incredible!
I first read The Ethical Slut (first edition) as part of a college course. As an undergrad, I was already well on my way to being a proud slut - I did the usual versions of short-term college dating, hookups, friends-with-benefits, threesomes, and the like, with or without a committed partner at various times. It all felt natural and right, but there were invariably awkward moments of poor negotiation, misunderstood communication, and mis-handled jealousy.
When I read The Ethical Slut, I found an amazing wealth of information and suggestions on how I could make my various relationships work better and more smoothly. I wished I'd had this book all along - it would have saved so much trouble! If only I'd known that an agreement to "see other people" wasn't nearly complete enough! The Ethical Slut lays out all the things to think about in having open relationships of various sorts. I've been called a slut since I was 14, but it was this book that gave me the idea that being a slut could be a good thing - and now I couldn't be happier with my fabulous life as a proud slut.
The Ethical Slut is an entertaining, readable, real-life explanation of all the options in relationships. Whether you want to be single or partnered or grouped, poly or monogamous, or whatever else, this book helps you figure out all the possibilities better. It's THE relationship book for anyone who wants more options than a "leave-it-to-beaver" relationship.
If you're just starting to explore open relationships, or you're even just thinking about it, there's no better place to start than with this book. And if you're already immersed in poly life, it's got the "advanced level" information you need. For those who know and love the first edition, the second edition is definitely worth adding to your collection. There's a ton of new information on the really crucial details of how to make all sorts of poly and open relationships work.
The second edition now has exercises exercises, taken from Dossie Easton's work as a therapist with poly folks, that you and/or your partner(s) can work on together. I loved the new section on living as a single slut - which makes the point that sluthood and open loving can be an identity that doesn't require a conventional partnership to secure or ground it. It also offers ideas on how to get one's needs met from a network of friends and lovers - useful information for pretty much anyone. The new segments on handling jealousy and conflict are especially good for those of us who have been involved in poly relationships for some time and need the more detailed info, from the voices of experience, to help through the rough spots. I feel like I'm always learning in poly relationships, and every time I go back to The Ethical Slut, there's some tidbit that helps with the complicated, hard, or unexpected parts of a generally fabulous poly life.
Whether you've read the first edition or not, this is definitely a book you should own. I've read it 3 or 4 times now, and I keep going back to it to check out certain sections that become more relevant as I encounter new poly challenges.
Rather than offering generalities and theories, The Ethical Slut speaks from many people's experience over many decades. It's the real-life information that you need to make all your relationships amazing!!
(and, speaking of making sex and play and relationships amazing, check out some of Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's other books - The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, When Someone You Love Is Kinky, and Radical Ecstasy!)
345 of 435 people found the following review helpful.
95% useless.
By Suz Bone
My partner isn't just some guy I'm dating; we share a home together. We share our lives together. He's part of my FAMILY. A compendium of flippant personal opinions that lack scholarly/clinical/statistical backing, and a smattering of personal anecdotes from the authors' lives is NOT what I need to guide me through one of the more important decisions I'll make in my life.
Non-monogamy is hard work, especially for folks like us raised up in a society that is so biased toward monogamy... and so grossly misinformed about even the basics of non-monogamy. I actually have poly friends to look to for advice or as examples, but most folks don't. So most of us don't have anything to go on. And the thing is, even the most sincere, loving, caring, honest people can torpedo their relationship BY ACCIDENT, through totally innocent mistakes. I'm lucky enough just to know that from reading some excellently-written and informative websites--A million times more useful than this waste of a book. So many people have raved about The Ethical Slut, so I picked up a copy. I was LIVID before I could finish the first chapter, and I had to force myself to finish the rest of the book, just in case there was something--anything--of value amid the vapid, self-serving rubbish the authors present.
Speaking of chapter one, the authors even fail at justifying the concept of rehabilitating the word slut... they themselves say that one of the primary attributes given to the word "slut" is that a slut is indiscriminate... and then they blather on a bunch of nonsense without ever sorting that one *little* issue out. The word is not salvageable, ESPECIALLY in regards to the concept of relationship ethics (which they repeatedly claim is a prime focus of their book), because indiscriminate behavior is utterly counter to ethical relationship behavior. I won't harp on it any more but I will tell you that an opening chapter that is complete HOOEY did not leave me anticipating the remaining chapters. Hey, Dossie and Janet, you chose the word to use in your title because you knew it would sell more books. Period. Don't feed me a bunch of BS to try to claim otherwise. I'm not stupid.
By the time I was 3/4 through the rest of the book I was reduced to scanning paragraphs. It's all just opinions and personal anecdotes from two people. I am having to seriously monitor my language right now, because it makes me so angry to think about people buying this book because they need information, and getting this useless crap instead, and thinking that they've gotten the information they need to navigate the ocean that is non-monogamy. How many good people have accidentally destroyed their relationships because they thought they had done their homework by reading this? So much SUFFERING. I hope the authors choke on a royalty check.
I'm about to order Opening Up now. With a description that includes things like, "Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships -- from partnered non-monogamy to solo polyamory" and, "offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting and time management", it sounds far more likely to give readers the IMPORTANT INFORMATION THEY NEED. (Update: Opening Up is an EXCELLENT resource and I highly recommend it!)
This is my life, my love, and my family we're talking about here. I don't have time for the opinions of a couple of attention whores. Rehab THAT word, Dossie and Janet.
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